Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
You Might Also Like
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
😭😭😭
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.