Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Guys, I found it.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.