Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no cat here

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Meowchelangelo

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.