Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Seas the day!!!!

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.