Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.