Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.