Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I am never leaving this website
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Oh the world we live in…
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*feels butterflies
Butterflies: please stop
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion