Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
🤣
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If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.