Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Catercrombie & Fish
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left