Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

How do you like your Corgi?

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

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That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.