Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

i baked you a cake

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own