Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

thoughts?

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Real House Wines.

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.