me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
cause of death:
autopsy.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous