me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me checking my bank balance online.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
