me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.