me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
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The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.