me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.