me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.