me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.