Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]