me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
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When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
had to make it
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.