me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
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I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.