Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER