me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
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For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!