me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?