Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.