me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
You Might Also Like
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.