Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

don’t we all

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.