Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]