Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then