me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
shazam but for random noises outside
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Lmao the reply
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.