Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

R.I.P.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.