Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.