Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

rest in peas

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.