me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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This is painfully accurate 😅
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Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops