Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

courtroom exchange of the day

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

being a writer on Twitter:

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats