Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

The future is now.