Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Pat is about to own someone

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”