Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.