me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
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Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
No way!