me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
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Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.