Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Finally, a door that understands me

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.