Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

I’ve been learning to cook.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.