Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable