Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

ㅤ

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.