Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car