Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would move hell over six inches for you

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

Thoughts

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Can Happiness buy money?

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient