Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

this is so top tier i cant

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Florida man

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!