Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

due date

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no