*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
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Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane