Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
😍😂🥰😂😍
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.