me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy