ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
