Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

best first i’ve ever seen

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.