me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
somebody come look at this
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg