me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now