@50FirstTates

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

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@SingleVicky

I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.

Then I remembered he’s imaginary.

So I’m good.

@Muath_tu

Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.

@roboticcrab

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

@Laser_Cat

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

@

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@CoopSoSarc

I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.

@hamspamtymaam

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

@BBQJones28

For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.