me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

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I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.


Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.


From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.


I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.



student: can i go to the bathroom

teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you


I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish


*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*


FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell