me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

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I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.

Then I remembered he’s imaginary.

So I’m good.


Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.


ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*


Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.




I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.


Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.


For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.