Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Drive like no one is watching.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.