Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?