Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
A Monday every week is excessive
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I feel this so hard
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
