Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
5 ways to appear taller
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Mountain Goat : )
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
