Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
