Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
this is literally a CIA plant
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
accurate
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
