Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

I wish all tests were things you peed on

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars