Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

“HELP WITH CAT”

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.