Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Challenge accepted.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

that lip filler tho

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”