Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

if you relate to me, get some help

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

I feel like Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” describes how a woman’s chin hair grows back.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.