Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
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The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant