Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.


Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.


When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.


I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.


[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”


Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…


News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!


Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then