@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

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@StupiDucker

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.

@TheHyyyype

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

@Los01001111

I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.

@Rollinintheseat

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

@JPLFR80

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

@iwearaonesie

Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Piglet:
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then