ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*