Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

operators are standing by to ignore your call

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.