Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?