Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.