@INeed_AnAdult

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

- @INeed_AnAdult

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@ambermruffin

Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.

@loribuckmajor

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

@captainkalvis

friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

@DevinRange

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

@Fred_Delicious

“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??