Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
We have a winner.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
this has done me in for some reason
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.