Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

making sure he doesnt get away

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble