Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

6: are snakes just neck?

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.