Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

I think this should do it.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done