Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too